When I Fail

I hate failing.  I hate failing at anything I attempt no matter what it is.  I think I am like this because I am athletically inclined and can pick up most activities pretty quick so I am not used to putting the hard work necessary to acquire proficiency.

My latest failure hit me pretty hard.  I felt ashamed that I had failed, most because I was so confident I would succeed.  I went about 8 miles up a river and was filming a nature/survival show.  I had all day to collect materials and craft a hand drill set for making fire by friction.  It was evening and I had a few hours before it got dark and I had to make a fire and there was no backup plan for fire.  The purpose of fire was to keep me warm and help ward off mosquitoes.  So, I got to drilling and I started getting smoke.  I knew better than to quit there so I began yelling loudly "DON'T STOP!" to psych myself up.  I repeated it over and over and kept drilling.  By this time smoke was pouring out from the base of the drill but I just kept drilling and drilling until my arms were so fatigued that they were no longer coordinated enough to spin the drill.  My drill fell out of the socket I had burned and the smoke slowly started to fade.  If the smoke stays for a little while it means there's a coal, if not then no coal.  The smoke all faded out and I was left with no coal.  I tried several times, each time failing.  I had some cordage I had made so I tried the bow drill method.  I had finally got it going pretty well until my string broke.  I started feeling hopeless.  At this point I was so exhausted and felt defeated.  I had choice to make.  Do I stay out the rest of the night as planned or do I head back and paddle a few hours through the dark.  If I stayed it meant certain discomfort from the cold and mosquitoes and if I left I had just had to paddle in the dark.  I paddle in the dark all the time for work so I figured it wouldn't be that bad.  I went with the latter option and only ran into one log on the way back.  I'll be honest though, it was one of the creepiest things I've ever gone through.  Moving shadows, weird noises, and the whole kit and caboodle.  I was pretty exhausted after that.

Now what?  I went to shoot a video about the wilderness and survival and stuff and I failed.  I copped out on the second night.  That's so lame.  I've built a friction fire before so why couldn't I do it this time?  It's the most frustrating thing in the world.  I'm supposed to be good at this sort of stuff but it just didn't work out this time!  It made me want to throw in the towel and say screw it.  I even thought for nano-moment about getting a normal job.  However, my purpose in life is to do something great.  I want to change this world in a big positive way.  I think that means I have to fail sometimes but I cannot, under any circumstance, lose my vision and my drive.  When I fail I must keep trying until I master!